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My baby, my baby is gone. She's gone. My little precious, my little everything. My bundle of joy. Coco is dead. No matter how many times I write those three words, it doesn't seem real. Over a decade of knowing her, loving her, feeding her, what do you mean dead?

It was the right decision for euthanasia. Her little heart was still beating and beating all this time. I don't know why. Everything else in her body just detoriated. I skipped my work orientation so I could hold her and be there for her. She was wheezing since this morning. She went on a little road trip to the work facility, but the entire time there I was so afraid she was gonna die in the car. Or die as soon as I walk out the car and not know how long it was going to take to let whoever know I have to reschedule. I had reached out to the manager by text but heard nothing back, so that was why we had to go to the facility.

Last night I put my mattress down right next to her because she was on the floor, with her blankets. My mom and I didn't get much sleep. I kept checking on her when I heard her shift or when I kept waking up. I tried so much to be gentle on her bony, bony, fragile body. She shook so much when she tried to stand. Coco would refuse everytime, but I always kept trying to feed her and give her water. I wished some miracle would happen where she snaps out of this and eats again, and I can cuddle with her again without her suffering, but no. When I woke up again, I found her away from her last spot and it looked like she was trying to get under the couch. I thought she was dead, but she was still breathing, her little heart was still beating. But I knew it had to be today.

I don't know with her Alzheimer's how much pain she was suffering. I don't know how much grieving for Dezel she was going through- the day Dezel died, and my parents went to drop him off at the cremation service while I stayed home with her, she slowly roamed around aimlessly, but she then she headed straight to the exact spot Dezel had died. Position and everything. She did it twice.

I gave Coco her last visit of the house after the euthanasia. I don't know how I'm gonna get through life without them. I feel so heartsick with grief, I don't think this hole in my chest and stomach will go away soon. The house is too quiet without them. When my parents leave and I stay, I will be truly alone. The presense of Dezel and Coco are no longer here. I will be so alone.

The cremation place will have Dezel and Coco in their seperate spots but right next to each other. The guy who helped us was really nice and considerate.

I'm just glad both of them made it to my birthday that was earlier this month. I'm glad they died with all three of us with them. I'm glad we had over a decade with them. But I can't imagine myself within five or ten years feeling OK.

Rest in peace my babies.

On the 16th we had a vet visit for Dezel for his fainting spells. I really am glad I took some photos of him over there, they had a little pumpkin patch photo booth. The vet said he had fluid in a lung and his heart is not contracting as it should be, which is why he gets low on oxygen. The vet prescribed two meds for him, but becuase of Dezel's age it probably wouldn't work. I woke up early the next morning, maybe right after my dad left for work, and noticed Dezel was having a real hard time breathing normally. Hours and hours later 'til afternoon Dezel just couldn't breathe right. My dad tried giving him the meds as soon as he picked them up at the pharmacy but Dezel was having a non-stop coughing fit and spilled some of the medicine. he passed out twice as well during this whole time.

Dezel died so fucking slowly, and I will never be OK with how he passed. I wanted euthanasia for him because of how dragged out it was, but the places that were open were going to be too faraway and it was in the middle of heavy traffic. I'm glad we were there for him for his last breath, but I can't fucking unsee how scared he was. I have a Dezel shaped hole in my chest. The house is now eerily silent, even with Coco.

And Coco isn't far away from joining Dezel, she went back to not eating and she looks like a fucking skeleton, and I'm just heartbroken. She has Alzheimer's and I believe it had kicked in since last week. She hasn't barked at all, she hasn't run to me when I gesture her to come to me. She's been staring into space everyday now. Her breathing is so shallow, and I never heard her snore again. Coco died in the inside last week and I never got to take in more time with her, now she's just a shell of her former self.

Last night was the first night without Dezel ever since I was 6 years old.

I still can't believe Dezel's gone, just like that. And so will Coco. I don't know how I'm supposed to continue life without my babies.

Today I learned there's "Comic" and then "Cosmic" on the design. "Cosmic" is on the 3D model. "Comic" is on most jackets online. Bruh.

Continuing on from last update: I had completed the conditional offer forms, now I am waiting for the next steps,, I hope I didn't mess up anywhere,, If I do get this job, I will spoil my friends. It's a seasonal role, but if I do well in it, I might be able to stay in a more permenant role. This would be a really good break for me... Aw shit, I hope the interview is just showing up with a pulse.

Will be starting on the second jacket !! This one is so so comfy I can't believe it ($50 jacket. I got it for $40 for signing up to Hollister- I can NOT mess this up. I allowed myself to get it because it was my birthday, and coming across plain gray zipped jackets is rare for some reason). I even got more proper markers for it, I used a sharpie the first time. My mom might swing me by Spirit Halloween for me to get the sledgehammer tomorrow. I might put on the blood for the first jacket, but the dye might discolor from doing it too soon...

I did neglect Neocities for a bit, but I'm going back at it.

Nothing much today, I had some Raising Canes. Glued some loose sketches of Sawrunner on my sketchbook. Continued reading Alchemised- I kept hearing it was really good, but the day I finally bought it, I started seeing comments about how it was bad. Oh my god bruh. I'm almost 100 pages in, so far it's not as bad, but I'm also kind of feeling like everything is... flat, for me. The main character especially. But I'm going to keep reading.

Hopefully today I will work on my resume so I can apply to places. I did apply to a café earlier this week, they were going to do a phone call interview and it was sceduled, but they never called. It was the only place to respond back at all, but maybe it's for the best. I never do well with customer based jobs.

I recently got another plain gray jacket. I'm going to draw the design from Simon's (Cry of Fear) jacket on the back again, as the first jacket I did will have blood on it for Halloween. I'm going as Book Simon this year.

Update: I applied to another job !! It didn't even ask for a resume, which I'm glad. Now we wait to see if they will respond. I will now spend the rest of the night working on a commission and play Cry of Fear.